If you happened to miss my Tuesday post, I touched upon the dreaded sibling rivalry (a term I am not fond of) and vowed to hang up my referee hat and see what happens. So here is my Friday Follow -Up.
Although it’s not all sunshine and roses, there has been a definite improvement. Big Brother and Little Sister impressed me this week. Did they know I’d be writing about them? Or could my determination to back off and retire my referee uniform be paying off?
They are only 5 and 2.5 years old and I have witnessed them actually taking turns and sharing! Without me having to say a word. And all I did was….NOTHING! Yes, you heard me right.
No more interfering…they have heard it all before: “please take turns”, “please switch toys in 5 minutes”, “no grabbing toys”, “use your nice words”. You should see their proud, happy little faces when they take turns and share on their own volition.
I’m so glad I finally backed off a bit, and apparently so are they.
Here is a great book I have been perusing, called Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. This book is an easy read and outlines some very useful tips on dealing with very common sibling conflicts.
Here are a few of the tips summarized, that I have found very helpful
- Acknowledge your child’s feelings: This has really worked for us. I’ve noticed they immediately feel better if their feelings are echoed and they are able to articulate those feelings to their sibling.
- Instead of always trying to be fair, treat each child for the unique individual he/she is. This can be tricky. Inevitably at this age, Little Sister wants what Big Brother has even if she could really care less about it. I’m trying to turn the focus away from what Big Brother has or wants and ask her what she would like to do/eat/play with.
- If someone gets hurt playing, attend to the one who is hurt: This works because for one, the person who has stepped over the line is not getting the attention and two, they see how sad it makes his/her sibling and how sad it makes mom and dad. It helps to develop their empathy and doesn’t reward their behavior with negative attention.
I would love to hear any tips or advice that has worked for you. If you have a post related to sibling conflicts, please comment and leave a link to it. Thanks for sharing!
Happy Friday 
Great tips! I really like the one about remembering each child is unique.
acknowledging the feelings is what we do to diffuse tantrums over here. It's magical advice for everything!
acknowledging the feelings is what we do to diffuse tantrums over here. It's magical advice for everything!
I think I'll try to sit it out and maybe I can avoid some of these moments of 2.5 year old girl screaming at 5 year old son. Thanks for the book info, may get it today!
I think I'll try to sit it out and maybe I can avoid some of these moments of 2.5 year old girl screaming at 5 year old son. Thanks for the book info, may get it today!
I'm going to check out this book, because even though my kids get along *most* of the time, there are always those difficult moments. And I always need new ideas for dealing with those moments.
I'm going to check out this book, because even though my kids get along *most* of the time, there are always those difficult moments. And I always need new ideas for dealing with those moments.
Love the new look and the post, Dr. Mom! Thanks for the tips about ways to guide our children with respect and dignity. I think the sibling dynamic provides valuable lessons on how to get along in intimate relationships. It is a safe relationship to try out all sorts of behavior to discover what works and what doesn't. Although it isn't always easy on the parents to witness seemingly endless squabbles, it is a necessary part of our childrens' growth. You give great advice on how parents can better deal with this issue!
Love this because I am just starting to see the beginnings of rivalry between my 3 year old and 9 month old! and the jealousy in the older one's eyes when i attend to the baby. This is hard work!
Love this because I am just starting to see the beginnings of rivalry between my 3 year old and 9 month old! and the jealousy in the older one's eyes when i attend to the baby. This is hard work!
Thanks for all your comments ladies…we're all learning as we go, aren't we?
Thanks for all your comments ladies…we're all learning as we go, aren't we?
i'm a new follower on your blog. i LOVE this post…mainly because i find myself constantly harping on “share share share” with my 5 and 2.5 year olds. i don't even want to know what i'll sound like when my 9 month old gets to the point where she's in the mix as well! i definitely want to check out that book you talked about….sounds like something i need!
Great advice…thanks!
Great advice…thanks!
I always love those moments! I have read that book and there are a lot of good points in it. It has been a while though, you just reminded me that I should take another look at it!
I always love those moments! I have read that book and there are a lot of good points in it. It has been a while though, you just reminded me that I should take another look at it!
Your kids are the same spread as mine. Kate is 4.5 and Maddie will be 2 in a month. For us, it ebbs and flows, but I will say that acknowledging feelings is a big help!
Your kids are the same spread as mine. Kate is 4.5 and Maddie will be 2 in a month. For us, it ebbs and flows, but I will say that acknowledging feelings is a big help!
I hve read that book and try very hard to do right by my kids. But I do tell them that life is not always “fair and equal”.
I always compliment them when my twins get along. Those are the mothering moments I live for!
I hve read that book and try very hard to do right by my kids. But I do tell them that life is not always “fair and equal”.
I always compliment them when my twins get along. Those are the mothering moments I live for!
Thank you for this post. My boys are 3 and 1 and they are already displaying some signs of “rivalry” which I am unsure how to address. I will implement your tips and I just ordered the book you recommended!
Stopping in from the Lady Blogger Tea Party.
Thank you for this post. My boys are 3 and 1 and they are already displaying some signs of “rivalry” which I am unsure how to address. I will implement your tips and I just ordered the book you recommended!
Stopping in from the Lady Blogger Tea Party.
I should check out that book. It's probably written for people like me!!:)
The only trouble is my kids are kinda sorta young (19 months)to understand everything that is happening around them and this makes things tougher.
I should check out that book. It's probably written for people like me!!:)
The only trouble is my kids are kinda sorta young (19 months)to understand everything that is happening around them and this makes things tougher.
I don't have any tips yet because I only have 1 child right now, but I'll definitely be picking up this book when we are ready for a second one!
I do know from my experience majoring in Education that we have been taught about fair vs equal when we are dealing with students in the classroom. What is fair is not always equal & it's important to remember the needs of the specific children.
Great tips!!
I don't have any tips yet because I only have 1 child right now, but I'll definitely be picking up this book when we are ready for a second one!
I do know from my experience majoring in Education that we have been taught about fair vs equal when we are dealing with students in the classroom. What is fair is not always equal & it's important to remember the needs of the specific children.
Great tips!!
I don't really have an helpful advice but I do need to say that this post was really helpful to me. With 3 yr old triplets the is always a fight.
I don't really have an helpful advice but I do need to say that this post was really helpful to me. With 3 yr old triplets the is always a fight.
Great tips! I posted about this too a while ago… Six Suggestions to Stop Sibling Squabbles (http://www.mycup2yours.com/2009/07/six-suggestions-to-stop-sibling.html)
Another tip that really works for me, especially as my kids are getting older is to ask them what their part in it was, instead of what the other person is doing. (i.e. what did you do or what could you have done differently, instead of what did he / she do to you?)
Hugs!
Genny
Thank you all for your thoughts and tips…could always use some extra ideas
Thank you all for your thoughts and tips…could always use some extra ideas
Great advice! My youngest isn't old enough to play yet but I'm mentally tucking this away because I KNOW I'll need it!
Melissa (@adventuroo)
Great advice! My youngest isn't old enough to play yet but I'm mentally tucking this away because I KNOW I'll need it!
Melissa (@adventuroo)
Good advice! I'm sad to say that the sibling rivalry was so bad between me and my little brother that we no longer speak to each other, even as adults.
http://lambaround.blogspot.com
Good advice! I'm sad to say that the sibling rivalry was so bad between me and my little brother that we no longer speak to each other, even as adults.
http://lambaround.blogspot.com