It’s a disturbing trend and one I’ve seen take off in the past year…parents taking to the Internet to embarrass and shame their children for certain missteps and transgressions.
From kids standing on street corners holding large signs spilling the truth about ways they have wronged their parents to Facebook posts and/or pictures of kids getting caught in the act of breaking parental rules; it seems each week brings a new shaming story.
And admittedly, it’s easy to see why, as parents, we take these misdeeds so personally. We love and care about our kids so much. We literally put our blood, sweat, and tears into parenting and caring for them. We want, more than anything, for them to grow up and be the smart, respectful, and law-abiding people we know they can be.
We want to raise good kids.
It’s our life’s work.
But if ever there was a wrong way to go about doing this, I’d have to say public shaming is at the top of the list.
And here are 3 major reasons why:
Do Unto Others
Do you remember being a tween/teen? Certainly we can recall our own days during those sometimes tumultuous years. We have all (I’m fairly certain) made a wrong turn here and there. Can you imagine if our own parents had smartphones and Facebook back in the day?
Doesn’t it make you cringe to think of the things your parents could have publicly called you out on?
Now imagine your adult life today. How would you feel if your boss or co-worker snapped a pic of you waltzing in late (once again) with a Starbucks Latte in hand, and decided to embarrass and teach you a lesson by posting it on Facebook?
Not only would that be embarrassing, but it would be a violation of your privacy.
The Golden Rule should apply to everyone we meet in our lives and those that we love and care about the most should certainly be afforded that same respect.
Protect Their Future
You might think that a simple photo shared amongst “friends” on Facebook is harmless and allows you to vent a little. But like I counsel the adolescents I see in clinic…what you post online is never really as private as you would think and it is forever. Just think for a moment who you are “friends” with on Facebook; your child’s teacher, your child’s friend, or your child’s soccer coach. Do you really want them knowing what happened?
What if they unintentionally hold it against your child? What if they are now seen as the “bad” kid, someone they don’t want their own child hanging out with?
Worse yet, what if someone takes a screenshot and shares it on a more public forum? Something that has actually happened to quite a few parents who took to publicly humiliating their kids online. Now, something that was supposed to be “private” among Facebook friends and family, is out there for the world to see.
More and more employers, businesses, and even colleges check out a potential candidate’s online reputation before deciding if they want to hire or admit them. My guess is you would not want to be the source of any black mark against your child, particularly when you know overall that he’s a really great kid.
Be Their Safe Place
No matter what the transgression, preserving that trust that your child has in you is paramount. Don’t you want to be her go to person when she’s really in trouble? When she needs a ride home because her best friend has been drinking or she’s at a party that has gotten out of hand…wouldn’t you want to be the first person she calls?
When your child blatantly disrespects you or breaks a rule that puts her safety in jeopardy, it’s natural to get so angry you could just explode. Afterall she has just undermined the trust you had in her. But…she is still a child. A teenager learning and making mistakes along the way.
All our children need a soft place to land. And during the teen years, that soft place is probably even more critical than ever.
As tempting as it may be, think twice before betraying her trust and venting in such a public way. Show her that you are there for her, no matter what. Helping her cope with mistakes and learning the hard lessons...in private.
Save the venting for girls’ night out or date night with your significant other.
Chances are, you’ll both come out of the latest teen drama/debacle more connected and with a deeper understanding of each other. Without all the fanfare.
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What a beautifully concise way of describing the problem of shaming our children. The thought of shaming my son (who’s now 2) kicks me in the gut in a way that’s hard to verbalize. You’ve managed to hit the nail on the head with each of these points.