Parents Say the Darnedest Things

Have you ever found yourself momentarily shocked at the words that just came out of your mouth? Sometimes, my husband and I catch the absurdity of the things we say to our children. We stop, look at each other, shake our heads, and laugh. Mostly though, these phrases are uttered on a daily basis and have become so commonplace, they don’t even faze us anymore.

Peryl, who writes a spot on and often hilarious blog about parenting over at Parenting Ad Absurdum, recently wrote about ten things you never thought you’d have to say to your children. It is so funny, so true, and it got me thinking that I wish I could record myself one day and see what bizarre things actually come out of my mouth.

While I didn’t record myself this week, I have been jotting down tidbits from the conversations I’ve been having with my kids.

Here are my top ten parents say the darnedest things for the week:

1. Get back in there, you need to wipe your buns.

2. Please don’t lick your brother.

3. Okay, find your safe spot, I’m bringing out the vacuum.

4. Our ottoman is not a trampoline.

5. If you watch too much TV, your brain will turn to mush.

6. No, I don’t know where your blue car with the white stripe on the side that you got from Target 2 years
    ago is.

7. Who smeared chocolate on the couch?

8. You want the paci fairy to bring you a unicorn pillow pet?

9. You can “hustle” after dinner. (side note: hustle means wrestle according to my son)

10. Just close your eyes, you’ll get tired.

Bonus quote of the week: Yes, I guess leprechauns are pretty sneaky for hiding those cookies in the tree.

Please, make me laugh, what crazy things did you say this week?

22 Responses to Parents Say the Darnedest Things
  1. Bug's Mom
    March 18, 2011 | 10:54 am

    My best was telling my 7 week old that I'd pay for college if she would just please go to sleep.

  2. Dalia (Generation X Mom)
    March 18, 2011 | 11:24 am

    Funny. Now you have me wondering. Gonna pay more attention. However, it might be a little scary to see what I come out with! Remember I have all spectrums in my house – teen, tween, 5 year old!

  3. kmcaffee
    March 18, 2011 | 12:02 pm

    LOVE THIS! I, too, have had some strange things ome out of my mouth lately! I love the "don't lick your brother" the best though. It resonates with me – I have had to say "please don't lick the laptop" more than once this week!

  4. Liz
    March 18, 2011 | 12:16 pm

    OK, #3???? TOTAL belly laugh from me!

    But in my house, I'd say that to the dog.

  5. Erica
    March 18, 2011 | 12:56 pm

    3. Okay, find your safe spot, I'm bringing out the vacuum….

    Ha ha ha ha!!!!!

    Thing I say all the time that is funny to me for some reason:
    Yes, you can bring your cheerios.

  6. Sorta Southern Single Mom
    March 18, 2011 | 2:50 pm

    My all time best remains, "Pull up your pants and get off your brother!!!" yelled to The Girl while my children were on a trampoline… she needed a belt :)

  7. Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds
    March 18, 2011 | 5:39 pm

    I didn't say anything that crazy. Just the usual, "I think a fairy would definitely live in that hold in the yard."

  8. Chantelle at Mom Went Crazy
    March 18, 2011 | 7:54 pm

    "If you watch Dora until the very end in the playroom you can have a piece of gum."

  9. angela
    March 18, 2011 | 8:04 pm

    We can't bring Baby's stroller to the zoo because the sunshade isn't big enough. (Baby is a doll, and Mommy did NOT want to bring the doll stroller!)

    I don't think you wiped. I don't see any toilet paper in the potty.

    You cannot wear your brother's shoes to the zoo (she is 2 years older than him.)

  10. Dolli-Mama
    March 18, 2011 | 8:20 pm

    Love it! I've got a few I wish I never said. Most of them have to do with body parts and poop. Being a mom is gross sometimes!

  11. Cheryl D.
    March 18, 2011 | 9:07 pm

    Are you sure that was chocolate on the couch?

    Sorry, I couldn't resist!

  12. Kimberly
    March 18, 2011 | 9:10 pm

    "No you can't try pooping in the yard like the dog"

  13. Making It Work Mom
    March 19, 2011 | 5:31 am

    Oh My Gosh! My three children all call wrestling with their Daddy "hustling". As in "Daddy let's go hustle." That is really weird! I also always tell my 4 year old to close her eyes and then she will be tired.

    Very Funny!

  14. alison
    March 19, 2011 | 6:14 am

    i have yet to have to tell my own kids not to lick each other….but i DID have to tell a first grader during story time that, "we do NOT lick our neighbor's heads. i don't care how much her hair beads look like candy!"

    i think the funniest thing i had to say this week to my own kiddos was, "no, you may NOT go into the chickenhouse barefooted…'s dirty in there, that's why." i mean really…my boy had no problem going into a barn with a chicken poop covered floor sans shoes. i know that he's been raised NEXT to a barn, but he wasn't raised IN one!!

  15. Funky Mama Bird
    March 19, 2011 | 1:36 pm

    I read this last night, but couldn't think of anything to contribute. Then, this morning, I found myself saying, "Don't put shoes on the cat!" and thought of this post so I had to come back.

  16. TheBabyMammaChronicles
    March 19, 2011 | 5:48 pm

    Oh who knows but Im sure I had a couple real winners

  17. Yuliya
    March 20, 2011 | 11:32 am

    Number three! Sometimes I wish my dog understood me, I am so tired of the vacuum melodrama!

  18. Shell
    March 20, 2011 | 6:48 pm

    Oh, these are so funny! It's amazing things we say to our kids!

  19. Lexie Loo & Dylan Too
    March 21, 2011 | 8:19 am

    I can so relate to most of those comments! My most recent one was, "Please stop licking each other!!!"

  20. Katie
    March 21, 2011 | 1:57 pm

    This was said to my husband not my kid but "Honey, can you grab the nipple" (for the bottle).

  21. Sherri
    March 21, 2011 | 8:43 pm

    Oh man, I'm sure I had some doozies! If only my brain cells weren't dying and I could remember them….

  22. Lady Jennie
    March 23, 2011 | 6:27 am

    My favorite is the paci fairy.

    I think I block out the things I say to my kids for my own sanity. But sometimes I catch myself sounding just like my parents.

    And I'll probably thing of something funny that's being said later on.